Hear me out | How to make soccer suck less

In a world of 7.6 billion it is estimated that 3.5 billion of those people are soccer fans. Let’s take a moment to explore how we can make the world’s most popular sport even more tolerable / popular….Hear me out!

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Item #1: The United States agrees to call the sport soccer. Non negotiable.

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Item #2: Flopping. Let us take a play out of the hockey handbook here. You flop, you sit. If the NHL penalizes players for embellishment than so can soccer. Want to take it even a step further? The player who flops either has 10 seconds to get up or he has to take a seat until he recovers from his horrendous and traumatizing injury. Want to take it even a step further than that? You have 10 seconds to get up and try and fight the guy who tripped you.  Hockey rules still apply here and both players sit for 5 minutes. Hair pulling is not allowed. These men have glorious manes.

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Item #3: Stop the damn clock. Soccer players can be petty. According to Soccerbythenumbers.com, the average time spent playing soccer is between 57 and 62 minutes per game. Soccer players are known to be time wasters and I can’t fault them for this. The running clock has been abused and it’s time we put an end to it.

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Item #4: RGB LED ball. Rainbow streaking through the air when the ball is kicked? Yes please. Give the fans what they want which is quality entertainment. I easily have close to $1000 of color changing light bulbs in my own home. Don’t tell me this isn’t possible.

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Item #5: Speaking of balls, why are we limiting ourselves to one? People like scoring. People like attending sporting events where a winner is decided every time. How do we do this? More balls. Maybe one is bigger or smaller? Maybe this ball is worth more goals? I’m just asking questions here. Spread the D around. Mass chaos will ensue and all fundamentals are thrown right out the door but the spectators will ultimately win.

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Item #6: End the wave. You can do it soccer. Be the first sport to end the wave. I know you can do it.

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Questions? Comments? Concerns? @me on twitter @PhillthyG

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